My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, now when I pee I clean the toilet.
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received from the staff in the last 10 years.
To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war, you are being called to sit on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this.
I don't know why my fishing buddy is worried about Coronavirus, he never catches anything.
I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus"
If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die. I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she is my wife. She seems nice.
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.
You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
If Coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?
Yeah I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.
John Travolta was hospitalised for coronavirus. But doctors soon realised that it was only Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.
The first case of Covid 19 has been confirmed in Russia. The patients name was Ivor Chestikov.
Ran out of toilet paper the other day, so reduced to wiping my bum with lettuce leaves. I fear that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Telling my 6 year old about home schooling for the next couple months, and he asked if I had to do that when I was a kid. I said no, and he then asked if chairs were even invented then. I think the first thing we’ll study for his home schooling is his f…….n attitude.
